Hmm, I had almost forgotten the world was only full of small scared, faithless, hopeless souls running amuck trying to catch some small glimmer of happy in this world... almost. I've ignored the tiny voices back there for so long, one minut hopeless second and its all I hear. So papa, am I believing in myself, my abilities, or learning from my mistakes. Cus I've mis-spoke, misheard, mistook and misunderstood far too many times. Crowded up by the tiny dark shadows that seem to be bits of me I'm wondering, still hearing echos of a doctor telling me I may not actually be able to feel happy on my own. Strange things happen when you mix foreign chemicals in the brain, only time will tell. Time has beeen long, desperate breaths just below the surface. Funny because I love to swim. Ugh I hate the rants, or the strange need to rant. Friends are very far away, whether by distance or emotion. and I cannot feel like I'm getting it together till april, can't conform til then. Can't make my father proud or prove any sort of worth till then. Funny how I didn't want to and now that he's down I want to give him a reason to cheer up. Honest I feel as though I'm letting people down. Daddy busts his balls for us and how are we repaying him? The oldest and blondest found a happy lil home with someone who can handle her bullshit. The middle is wasting away ina failing town with an acoholic with not enough strength to stand up and defend herself. and the youngest, well the youngest has been running most of her life cus she's to scared of being alone and failing... wasting her shining potential and her fathers pride, finding just how hard she has to get till she doesnt care at all. I'd say that'd sum it up. how shameful of us. even mother and father are struggling, hurting and somehow still pretending that they can smile. And this is all we are missing, innocent smiles that spread like hot butter. They don't even cuddle when they watch movies any more... I remember I would have to fight to get between them when i was little.. and now.. Well now, craig has his chair and my stepmom is in the other room cus dad talks during movies and she doesn't want to tell him to shush. But thats just who dad is... that strange guy who doesnt know whats going on and ask questions while the flick rolls. And we love him that way. Still caught up on that one. If you don't love all of a person, why marry them, why even tell them you love them. Sometimes I feel more grown up than I am, some times I feel more ignorant than ever.

I wonder if trees can think, if they could we'd probably still cut them up.